Letters From A Broken Heart
by RomanticSoul693
Summary: When Edward leaves Bella in New Moon, the only way she can express her pain is to write letters to Alice. These are the letters and the events that follow.
1. Letter Number 1

**Hey, guys! I have written another new story! ****I was listening to some sad music and was thinking about how Bella emailed some letters to Alice in the movie New Moon, so I thought that I'd expand that idea and make it my own. So here it is, I hope you enjoy it!**

Alice,

I know that you're never going to read this, but I just have to let out some of the pain your departure has inflicted on me. I'm not blaming you or anyone else in your family. I may be dead inside because of a certain brother of yours…I can't bear to say his name…, but I cannot blame you for what he did. He has hurt me, Alice. Deep, deep down. I feel like a large part of my soul has been taken from me. And I am sure that it will never mend. The part I have lost will never come back to me, and I'm going to be left, ripped open, to die a slow and painful death alone.

It hurts me just to think about…him. He has left me without the strength to lift myself up from the ground. What I am now is not Bella Swan. I am just a lifeless carcass, begging to be taken away from this prison that is life. The real Bella is still in the woods where he left her. She's still lying in the dirt, crying out for him. She screams with agony and heartbreak. Her tears drip to the wet ground beneath her lifeless body. The real Bella Swan will always stay there; waiting until the day she can finally leave this loveless world of hers, and watch over her love in heaven for the rest of eternity.

How is he, Alice? I know that it's no use asking you questions when you are never even going to read them. I can only imagine how he is. I can only guess where he is and what he is doing. I sometimes imagine him happy and living with you all, enjoying life. At first, I am angry and wish for him to be just as broken as I am, but then I realize that I am wishing him in Hell, which is where I am. I would be wishing the person I love more than anybody the most heartbreaking pain imaginable, and I know that I could never live with him in pain. I hope that he is happy. He deserves happiness, even if he took away mine.

I sometimes wonder where you are now, what you are doing. There are so many questions swirling around in my mind, begging to be answered. Maybe it will help me to write them out. Since you are never going to see this, I'm not expecting you to answer any of them, I just want to get rid of them. Some may be to you, some to your brother; but most, I think, will be to you both.

Why did you leave me??? What did you think I'd do; forget about you instantly? Did you really think that I could give up on everything we had and just…move on?? You know that I love you more than anything in the world, right? Didn't you love me? Did you even love me the tiniest bit? If you did, you wouldn't have sentenced me to this hell. Isn't it true that if you loved me, you would have stayed and protected me from your so-called "danger," instead of running away and leaving me open to it and broken? I really want to hate you. It would be so much easier if I could just be angry with you and wish for you to never come back. It hurts far too much to love you and long for your return. Why did you do this to me? Why did you leave?

It doesn't feel much better, writing those questions out, because no one's ever going to answer them. No one is ever going to read these letters. You all are like distant memories to me now. You have taken away not only my love, but my memories of you. He took all of the pictures of us and the CDs he made for me. I have nothing left to remind me of you except the wound I got on my birthday, which is fading quickly. Soon, I will have nothing left of you except the blurry images of what we used to be; and what _I _used to be.

When I think back to those times, I realize how happy I was and how I was such a different person than what I am now. I say "what" because I really am not a living person anymore, so I don't really matter to the rest of the world…and to you. If you loved me, you would have stayed, Alice. I thought we were best friends! Why didn't _you_ stay? If you really cared, you would have said that you'd stay and keep me from dying of heartbreak. I would've at least been a little better if you'd stayed. I don't want to take my hurt out on you, Alice, but there's no one else to yell at. I can't yell at Charlie because he's already hurting enough because of me. I can't go to anyone at school because they'd never understand what we had. There is no one who truly understood me except for you and your family. My whole life centered around you all and now I've been thrown out of orbit and I'm left flying through darkness, looking for the light.

Every day, I wish for your brother to come back to me. I am always looking around, searching for him to return, but he is never there. No one is _ever_ going to be there; at least that's what I assume. He will never return to me, right Alice? If he were, you'd see it and tell him that it was the right thing to do. Then, he'd be here in an instant, but he's not, so I guess that means he isn't coming back. It would be like going to heaven if he came back to me. I can't even grasp what it would feel like, having my soulmate back. I can't even describe what it feels like to lose him, but I just know that it would make all of this pain go away, and that I'd be healed.

When you all left, you took a huge part of me with you. You took my happiness, you took my soul. And now, I am left alone, with my whole life stolen from me. You have all taken from me and left me to cry on the cold, wet ground with only my memories to keep me going. But one day, Alice, the memories aren't going to hold me together, and I'm going to break. I am going to finally let go, give in to the pain, and lose myself completely. I am holding onto the last tiny bit of Bella Swan inside of me and soon, she's going to be taken over by the darkness, and she will be dead. Forever.

With all the love I can give,

Bella.


	2. Letter Number 2

**Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter. This is letter number 2. Review!**

Dear Alice,

What are you supposed to do when your life falls apart at its seems, and there's no one left to stitch you back up? What are you supposed to do when the impossible life that you had is suddenly snatched from you, and you are left with no life to call your own? I am a single, lit candle. I'm flickering weakly, almost burnt out. I am all alone in a dark world of sadness with my light being slowly lost to the blackness surrounding me. Who am I anymore? What have I become without my love? I have become metaphors. I am nothing but complicated comparisons. I'm a flickering candle, a stitch that is ripped open, alone in the darkness of my heart.

I sometimes believe that I am truly becoming insane. I am living inside of my head. I don't believe I've spoken a single word to anyone for weeks. All I do is think. I do not feel. I do not see. I just sit. Do I cry? No. I am past tears. I have run out of tears to cry. The heartbreak of his departure has passed. Now, I am left with only half of myself, and I can't function correctly without my other half…him. I still do not dare to say his name. It's still too much. I don't think of him either; of his name, his voice, his…face. I have blocked him out of my mind. It's like he never existed... I guess he was right after all.

Have you ever felt such a pain, Alice? Have you ever felt as if you aren't really living; that you are just a waste of forgotten and un-needed space? I'm sure you never have felt such a pain as I have felt. There was just something special about us. I can't explain it; it was just…right. I felt whole for the first time in my life. Before him, I was just half of what I could be. With him, I was everything I was made to be. After him, though, I am only one inch of my true self. The rest is lifeless now. I guess it's harder to lose something, than never having it at all. At least I would have thought that I was content with the life I was living; unlike now. When you lose something, you mourn for it because you have lost what you once had, and you miss it. Not only do I miss it, I need it. He's a part of me, whether his heart can admit it or not.

My mind sometimes drifts to wondering why he left. Every day, it's different. One day, I believed he left because us being together was too complicated and that he didn't want to fight against the world anymore. Another day, I thought he left because our love wasn't strong enough to bind him to me. Most of the time, though, I believe that he never loved me at all. That is the truest of them all because it never made sense that someone as good as he could love someone like me. I can never live up to what he deserves. That is why he left.

Has he spoken of me yet? Has he even breathed my name? Because I have…in a way. In my state of being between sleep and consciousness, I am always whispering the words "Lion, love me. Lion please."

Please tell my lion that I…love him and to please come home.

Your friend and lifeless lamb,

Bella.


	3. Letter Number 3

**Hey guys! I wrote a lot over the weekend. I hope you enjoy it, and please review!**

Dear Alice,

Something unexpected happened today. When I woke up from my dream-like state, I suddenly felt this urge to see Jacob Black and for the first time in months, I got up from my bed and walked to the door of my room. I opened it and walked down the stairs, slowly, still unsure of my ability to actually leave the room I have been living in for the past month or so. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I walked into the living room and looked at the clock hanging on the wall opposite the television. It was just past one o'clock in the afternoon. Charlie was still at the station, so I decided that I'd go visit Jacob at the reservation.

I quickly ran upstairs to change and then grabbed the keys to my truck and slowly walked to my truck. I couldn't believe I was actually doing something other than just going through the motions. I was actually doing something that was not expected of me. I never speak to anyone at school or in town. I'm always blocked myself off from everyone else, so this was all new to me. I felt like a baby who was learning to walk. Actually, I felt more like someone who was paralyzed for years, but was suddenly given back the strength of their limbs and had to learn to walk all over again.

I hadn't driven to the Quileute Reservation in a really long time, so it took me a while to get on the right road. When I finally reached the reservation, I saw families sitting outside of their houses, visiting each other, and they were all looking at me like they'd never seen me before. I tried to ignore them, but their stares only made me worry more about whether visiting Jacob was the right thing to do. When I finally reached his house, I saw Billy Black's truck sitting in the make-shift driveway beside a disassembled, old white car.

I heard a motor running in the garage behind the cars, so I walked over to the run-down building and knocked lightly on the door. I heard a low voice yell "What?" from the back of the garage. I said that it was Bella and that I was looking for Jacob. And it turned out that was Jacob! He has grown up so much! I couldn't believe it! We hung out for a long time, just talking and it turns out that he's working on rebuilding some motorcycles and I offered to help him with them. So now, I have something to look forward to.

When I was with Jake, I felt…good. I felt happy. I haven't felt that way in a really long time. I missed having fun. But I wasn't entirely happy. I just felt happy, but inside I still wasn't as happy as I would have been if I knew your brother was at home waiting for me. But I decided not to dwell on him not being here anymore when I'm with Jake. He makes me happy, and I don't want to ruin the time I have with him. He's my sun. He keeps me happy. We spent the entire day together. He even came home for dinner and stayed after to talk even more with me. It felt so good to actually have a conversation with someone other than the desperately sad voices in my head.

Jacob feels like a brother to me, I just feel so at home with him. I'm so grateful for that sudden urge I had this morning because I would never have even considered visiting Jake. I don't know what I would have done if Jake wasn't here. Actually, I know exactly what would happen, but I don't want to think about it. If I didn't have Jake, I would still be in my room in that horrible state I was once in. I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I think I'm going to be fine in the long run. Jacob's here now.

Your healing friend,

Bella.


	4. Letter Number 4

**Hey guys! Long time, no see! But I'm finally back. School is soo demanding this year, and it hasn't left me with a single minute to think or write, but I think I'm finally catching a break at least until May. I hope you enjoy this new chapter and please review! I'd really like to know what you think. **

Dear Alice,

It never goes away. The pain is never truly gone. No matter how much time I spend with Jacob, trying to enjoy myself, the pain of…his…departure still bears down on me when I'm alone. That's when there is only silence to keep me company. The silence is not filled by a teenage boy's laughter or the mumbled voices of Charlie and Billy enjoying a baseball game late one night. The silence leaves me alone with my thoughts and allows my subconscious mind to think of what I have lost, and I feel like he has left me all over again.

The pain never subsides, though. It is just…pushed into the background when there's someone near me to keep my attention. When I'm with Jake, I'm happy…on the outside. But deep down on the inside, I'm still crying out for my lost love. When I am alone, the emotions that break me down inside my heart open up and show on my face also.

Whenever I'm alone, the pain is so bad that I feel like I am being abandoned over and over again by my temporary happiness. I guess you can call your brother my "temporary happiness" since I only had him for a short time before our impossible relationship finally met its end. Our bliss was temporary and was gone before I knew it. It was like I was living in a very long dream, but then woke up to the life I had before, but left with the lingering heartbreak of the forever-lost dream.

I know that there is no use wondering about him anymore because I know that if he doesn't care enough to worry about me, then I shouldn't waste my time on him. But…I still wonder. My heart worries for him; it dies to know where he is and what he's doing. I still love him; still care about him.

I guess I'll never truly be over him, and I curse him for it. If I had never met him, I never would have been exposed to this amount of pain. If he just stayed in Alaska after my first day in school. If only my blood didn't call to him so strongly. If only Edward Anthony Masen hadn't lived through the influenza!

…I..I'm sorry, Alice. I didn't mean to write that. I didn't mean to wish him dead. That is the exact opposite of what I wish. I wish that everything had gone the way it did, excluding the part where he left me. We would have been so happy, Alice! If he had just stayed and protected me from whatever danger he thought had been directed towards me, I wouldn't be in so much pain. If you really think about it, I wouldn't have been in this much pain if he stayed and the danger did come after me. I could never have felt any pain close to this…agony. Agony isn't even the right word. There is no word that can describe what he, himself has inflicted on me. He said that he was leaving me to keep me happy and safe, but I am worse off now than I was with him.

I sometimes consider writing a letter to him…I wouldn't sent it, of course. If I had that kind of information, I wouldn't be sitting here right now.

I really want to know where he is, Alice. Because soon, I may not be able to take this pain anymore and something drastic might have to happen. You never know; there are cliffs all over Washington State, every one as good and high as the next…with a sharp, rocky floor waiting for me. Sorry. That wasn't right. That was unfair of me. Alice, don't worry. I would never do that. I'm just trying to get a response from you, even though you aren't even reading this. The only response I got were quick heartbeats from my own heart, telling me that what I was doing was unacceptable and impossible. I would never be strong enough to throw myself off a cliff…but you never know.

Sometimes, the loss of a loved one drives people to insanity. But I think I've passed that faze. I already am at the hallucinating stage of my desperation. I sometimes…see him. He just suddenly appears in front of me and I am caught off-guard and exhilarated. It's like he's right there! He looks so real!

But there's only one way I see him, and that's in the face of danger. I see my love when my life is on the line. That's why I've been participating in some…recreational activities. I'm not going to list any, though. I don't want to frighten you.

Sometimes, I think about what I have lost, and I think about what I have gained. Here's what I've come up with:

What I Have Lost

My love

My happiness

My life

My heart

My second family(You)

What I Have Gained

Pain

Depression

Hallucinations

Loneliness

One friend (the only dare-I-say good thing that has happened)

And finally, a broken heart.

There's one thing I have held onto throughout this horrible time. It's a horrible lesson that I just can't seem to learn. "It's hard holding onto someone who already let go."

I know it is true, but I just cannot accept it. But I know I should. I have to realize someday that he's not coming back. That he's moved on. That I'm just a distant memory in his mind. But I still think that he's just randomly going to come back one day, and stay with me forever…But that is just an abandoned girl's dream.

Love,

Bella.


End file.
